When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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