what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
