There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
