wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
