How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it was like eating out sand paper
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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