there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
