I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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