I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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