So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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