Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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