This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
