9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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