I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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