I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize