yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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