I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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