well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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