So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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