Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
