I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
