your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.