Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
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I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?