You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
my poor anus
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.