You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
