she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
