she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
