How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
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SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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