my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
