trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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