how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
