I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
