Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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