I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
