they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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