I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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