totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
