ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
