I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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