Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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