if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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