Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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