Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
honey bunches of taint.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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