HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
