I wish my penis had an off switch
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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