her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
