soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
