Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
