that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
