I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
