just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
