I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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