this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
