the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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