Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
