I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There r osticjed everywhere
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
