apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
