I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
