I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
