Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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